***TW: brief mention of sexuality, self harm, and general talk about an abuser***
Our dear beloved insider Dark has made a choice to change her name. She began to feel uncomfortable with her old name because it didn’t fit anymore; she’d changed and her descriptor hadn’t. For several days she has been wanting to make the change but we first wanted to take some time to assess whether it was a healthy choice. We have come to the conclusion that it is a positive step for her and we are supportive of it.
The name “Dark” was not one she chose herself. When we were 14 we experienced our first “love.” As Hats has explained in a previous post, due to traumatic bonds being the only kind we understood to be meaningful, we were drawn to him because he would hurt us. It seems strange to imagine it now because looking back we seemed so young but at the time we felt so mature and old. The relationship began as twisted and ebbed and flowed with aspects of dysfunction for the next four years. The beginning though, specifically, was when Dark and her twin brother Angel were created. The boy we “loved” was involved with another desperate, abused girl we knew, whom he affectionately called his dark angel. Together they made something of a pet project out of corrupting and seducing us for their amusement. They were interested in sadistic games, exhibitionism, BDSM, witchcraft, and keeping people around as toys so long as they were useful. Sick though it was, we loved the boy for his confident abuse of us, and pleasing him was something we could live for, it was all that mattered, he owned us completely. When he pushed boundaries to see how much he could break us like his first devoted victim, his dark angel, we complied and split for him. Dark did so willingly and joined him in his quest to corrupt others. (Angel is another story.)
So the name itself carries a lot of abusive baggage. We do not know if the boy was aware of what he was doing, whether he was creating alters in us on purpose. If it makes you feel any better, he was not pleased by Jaime’s arrival on the scene about a year later. That was an alter he definitely didn’t want us having. (If I knew the emoticon to convey a smug smiley face I would insert it here.)
Dark was created to be a compliant, downtrodden girl who would fulfill all her partner’s sexual needs no matter how adventurous. She was conditioned to harm herself when she couldn’t please others and to find nothing in the bedroom frightening or uncomfortable. I don’t need to go into details, but she was conditioned to experience pleasure only from pain. Once he grew tired of her he would send her out on “missions” to seduce other people, and report back to him their secrets and weaknesses. Some of the things he had her do we still cannot admit to because the shame is so intense.
After reading that brief synopsis of her experience earning her name I think you will understand why it is a positive thing for her to choose a different name for herself. It shows she is healing and growing, and that she does not feel the same strong allegiance to that abuser anymore.
She has chosen the name Hikari, which is Japanese for “light.” It’s a beautiful name and very symbolic. She is not suddenly different, she is the same person she was before, but now she is embracing a life she creates for herself rather than a role decreed by someone else. She was always more than what he made her to be. She is a unique and incredible poet, she is an artist, she is a scholar. Now she is choosing to find herself and question things. She may have been made by another person for sad reasons, but that is not the reason for her existence. Lots of people, whether in DID systems or not, are born into unfortunate circumstances, but once they’re here they have the right to a life on their terms.
Hikari’s life is a blessing. She is free to live now without abuse. She does not have to fulfill her roles anymore, she never has to do any of those things again if she doesn’t want to.
We are so proud of her for having the courage to heal. We are lucky to have her in our lives and we hope you can see even a small glimpse of why she is so amazing.